How to recognise a narcissistic manipulator

Insults, devaluation, guilt...the narcissistic manipulator (otherwise known as the narcissistic pervert) uses many weapons against his victim. All smiles in public, he is a master of transformation, becoming a real tyrant behind closed doors. When facing a narcissistic manipulator, you have one option: flight. It's only a matter of time before the narcissistic pervert proves to be a true psychological or even physical threat, if they haven't already. To keep them at bay, you must first know how to unmask them. This can prove rather challenging, since narcissistic manipulators have many faces, making them difficult to spot at first.

What is a narcissistic manipulator?

The narcissistic pervert is a manipulator whose self-worth relies on the belittling of others. He loves no one and has a degraded image of himself that he projects onto others. He seeks to "destroy in others what he can't find in himself: happiness, desire and pleasure," explains psychoanalyst Claire-Lucie Cziffra. She describes two types of narcissistic perverts: "One who is overwhelmed by his own inclinations and involuntarily causes suffering to those around him; and the sadistic manipulator, who instead takes pleasure in harming others."

It can be anyone: a spouse, family member, friend, colleague, boss... Make no mistake, the narcissistic pervert can be found in both sexes. "Although many patients are men, nothing tells us that men are more naturally disposed to narcissistic perversion than women," said Dr. Albero Eiguer, president of the International Association of Couple and Family Psychoanalysis.

Who is at risk of being victimised by a narcissistic manipulator?

Since the narcissistic pervert is a master of manipulation, he has many faces, and knows how to appear friendly, social, and fun-loving. The pervert usually has attractive qualities that he uses to further manipulate his prey.

Of course, certain people are more vulnerable than others, but we are all potentially at risk of becoming victims to the repetitive threats, insults, humiliation and criticism that are the narcissistic manipulator's trademarks. Even so-called 'strong personalities' can fall into their trap, especially when emotional dependency is at play - which can occur in many kinds of intimate relationships.

From the moment a relationship with a narcissistic manipulator begins and the pervert becomes aware of his influence on the other, he can begin the process of devaluation. "He takes advantage of our faults and failures, and strikes when we feel weak," warns Cziffra.

How do you identify a narcissistic manipulator?

It's not easy to expose these master deceivers, often disguised as gentle, amicable characters. "The pervert goes through life masked, often deceiving everyone around the victim. Even the victim herself often doesn't understand the manipulation that she is the victim of," explains Cziffra. But there are tell-tale signs that you are dealing with a narcissistic manipulator. When guilt, criticism, devaluation, lying, and jealousy are at the core of a relationship, it's clear you're in the grasp of a narcissistic pervert.

Beyond these clues, other signs can be found in the victim's behaviour. If you walk on eggshells in his presence, if you no longer feel like yourself when he's in the room, if you do everything not to upset him, then it'd be good to keep on your guard. Manipulation is probably already at work in your relationship.

How do you get rid of a narcissistic manipulator?

Whatever you do, don't expect to be able to change a narcissistic pervert. For him, he is always and forever right, tangled up in his powerful reasoning, and others are inherently wrong. If you fall into the trap of a manipulator, the only thing to do is leave him and his mind games behind - and to not look back. Escaping the manipulator is especially important if you are in a relationship, because a healthy relationship with such a person will never be possible. What's more, to have maximum control, the manipulator will try to isolate his victim, cutting off your ties with those closest to you. Get out before it's too late.

The difficulty certainly lies in being able to identify this toxic relationship and have the opportunity and courage to leave. Once you become aware of the harmfulness of a relationship with this type of person, you must escape. There's no need to try and understand the narcissistic pervert - he'll only find excuses. Cziffra concludes: "You must escape, even if it means losing something."

Jessica Xavier