Wife 1.0 - Computer Software Warning


I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of MateReunion 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that MateReunion won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Football program, often trying to abort Football with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works okay, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning child processes, which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it always launches at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, FootballMatch 2.5 and BuddyStuff 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected. (Even though they worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as Mother-in-Law 55.8 and Brother-in-Law Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.


Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0


Ultimately, some people decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with the good old Doggy1.0b3, which salivates and chews newspapers, but these bugs are tolerable when you get used to. Furthermore, it’s easy to use and it works pretty well.



******* BUG WARNING ********

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete Money files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install claiming insufficient resources.


****** BUG WORKAROUNDS ********

To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0

Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.1 via a Usenet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses, which can accidentally be downloaded from the Usenet.



******* BUG WARNING ********

Another bug has surfaced with the uninstall feature of WIFE 1.0. A program stays resident in memory after uninstalling WIFE 1.0 that on a recurring basis takes up to 50% of your system resources before allowing any of your programs to run. In cases of complex or "messy" uninstall, resource losses can be as high as 80%.


****** BUG WORKAROUNDS ********

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend to emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained. Thus, it is recommended to keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install ShortSkirtSecretary 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0, and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.



***** UPGRADE ANNOUNCEMENT *****

WIFE 2.0 is currently in development and should be ready for release shortly. WIFE 2.0 takes 30% less disk space while featuring a flashier, more attractive, User Interface. Unfortunately, this upgrade is expected to require significantly more resources than Wife 1.0. For those users unable to upgrade to Wife 2.0, add-ins RedSportsCar and NewBoat are currently in testing.


2004